chase_sign

Originally uploaded by FunCupcake.

I liked walking by these massive letters, that would eventually be installed above a Chase bank, just sitting on the sidewalk. They are big! Just look at them next to the huge tire from that massive truck to the left. Nice! I wouldn’t take a second look at these letters all arranged, hung up above the bank. But seeing them there laying on the sidewalk, I noticed them.

The things you see on the street, so unexpected, a true sign of our vertical East Coast living. So much going on going upwards, that eventually, it all spills out onto the streets. There are no quiet parking lots to arrange these in, so it’s done where people walk by. There is no convenient time of day when nobody is frequenting the bank, as people are doing things at all hours here. It’s just such an East Coast thing and I think I’ve realized that being here has made me much more resilient. I’ve just never had to be resilient, to expect ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING. I like that very little shocks me now. I’ve become tougher, but I don’t think in a bad way. I’m more adaptable, resilient, and forgiving. Yah, I admit it, more cynical too. But let’s face it, I was kinda spoiled (not in a bratty sheltered way, but in an insulated, protected way) and I don’t think you can AT ALL be spoiled or naive, when you are on your own in New York City! So! For the friends who jab me about not being a cupcake-baking, knitting, animal caretaking housewife anymore, just know, you can throw me anywhere and though I may dislike it, I CAN deal with it. I can manage it, without letting it manage me, or my infamous mood. I’m still a softie in all the good ways, hello… anyone read my sappy posts lately about cute things? But I’m tough in the important, survival ways. I still weep when I think of kittens playing with a ball of twine. How sweet! However when I see the saddest thing imagineable on a walk to the subway, I sort it out. And yeah, I have. Seen the saddest things imagineable in my life here. I have seen a very young, pregnant, homeless girl, sitting in the torrential pouring rain with her head down, begging for money while people shop at Whole Foods. Sad. I’ve seen people treat each other like what enemies at war might do, right here, right next to me, where I walk, sit, stand, eat or ride. You watch the news, you see the violence in the world, well I think that level of stress is brewing all over this tough place. But I’ve also seen some of the most amazing, creative, beautiful things, ever in my life, here, amidst all the sad. Sometimes, yeah, it’s just historic architecture, other times, it’s people caring for each other. But most times, it’s the constant reminder that in a big, diverse place, where anonymity is the status quo, exists the freedom to express oneself honestly and completely, without any reprecussions.The depth of life runs high here, the sad is really, really sad, and the good, is so amazing. It can be. But you have to open your eyes and look for it.

So these days, when I experience either of these depths, I do not fall apart. Not that I used to “fall apart” but I had a certain protective space to over-analyze and feel every current of emotion around me, and take it home. I’m not different than I was before coming to NYC, I’m just, I guess, more seasoned about navigating through life and admitting some startling realities. Yeah, I am less patient than I ever have been. But I’m but also more evolved, and at the risk of sounding cliche, more grown up. There is no time or energy or space to wonder here, to imagine or waffle on decisions. You cross the street, or wait. But know it, and know it NOW. Sometimes both decisions suck, and sometimes you find yourself thinking “It’s like voting for the President, you just pick the best of two evils.” But you have to choose something, and do it with conviction. In this life, there is rarely time to consider and then reconsider the choice one made 10 minutes ago. You need all your focus and strength to cross the next damned Avenue and deal with the next freak and go to the next place.

Hey, I’m 30, with more gray hairs and wrinkles than I’ve ever had, but my babyface spirit live on. Life is too short not to appreciate what’s great, like giganctic illuminated letters laying stagnent on a disgusting poo-filled sidewalk. Okay not much inherent beauty in this particular sight to some of you, but to me, yet another reminder of irony or contrast. And the opportunity to experience something out of the ordinary, is something that makes my world go ’round. If you don’t find something to appreciate, or even just to distract yourself from the rigors of all things serious and tough, you are just another drone in this robot world. Sometimes, droning out sounds fabulous. But most of the times, it freaks the hell out of me. To go through any sort of programmed motions. So yeah, I’m saying for all the things I hate about NYC, I also realize, it brings me to my knees and makes me feel, really feel. And that, is pretty inspiring.

Not many people reckon with having to absolutely know who they are or where they stand, on a continual, daily basis. But thank goodness for that I guess, because we might all be chain-smoking, alcoholic, angry, pinch-faced assholes. I guess I say keep on truckin’ regardless, without adopting a dismissive attitude, cuz you just NEVER KNOW, who, what, where, how or why.

So am I the only one who appreciates seeing giant letters laying on a NYC sidewalk?

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 22nd, 2006 at 9:26 pm and is filed under New York City, Out on the Town. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.